It's been a while since I last wrote and I think my lack of correspondence actually speaks more than any writing I would have done had I made it to a laptop. I've spent the last few months feeling desperately incoherent. It's not familiar territory for me - I usually have something to say. I guess what has happened is that I have entered this transient place and, while this would normally invigorate me and challenge me, it's rendered me silent and quite immobilised... which is strange as I'm currently activelly making my way around the world.
We left Dublin on 8 May - several days late due to the dreaded ash cloud. The goodbyes in Dublin were exponentially worse than I had anticipated but the delay did allow a few extra precious days with our closest Dublin pals. When the airport goodbye came eventually, I was numb. Saying goodbye to someone who has shared every moment of 3 life changing years was beyond anything I've experienced before. The ash cloud also meant that we missed out on traveling to Edinburgh to say goodbye to James' parents prior to our departure for South Africa and, ultimately, Australia. All in all, a traumatic few days and quite a dark hole to climb out of when we reached South Africa.
Every time I leave a place I feel like it takes a few weeks, months even to shed it. Like a skin, Dublin had grown on me and despite all my problems with the place, it was our home. I became a mother there. I made lifelong best friends there. I will always cherish it but it was definitely time to move on. And move on we did, to South Africa to the town I grew up in and the town I previously longed to escape. Now I dread the prospect of packing our bags and leaving yet again. Our MacKenzie has absolutely blossomed here, he's speaking in sentences, has befriended everyone in town and has his grandparents wrapped neatly around his pudgy fingers. I've had wonderful quality time with all my old school friends, my oldest best girlfriend in particular. She's got 3 daughters now and my son is deeply in love with all 3 - as well as having dubbed their father 'Uncle Daddy' for some reason known only to him. MacKenzie turned 2 here and has developed in leaps and bounds which astound us all on a daily basis. Children are phenomenal. I think much more highly of myself knowing that I used to be one of these wondrous beings.
We leave next Saturday for Sydney. Although we've lived there previously for 5 years, we left as a young couple and are returning as a family. I'm excited but also concerned that it won't be the place my memory has created. Nostalgia is a dangerous thing. I have no conclusion to this - just to say that I'm scared of this precarious place I'm standing on now and nervous to take the next step. I hope it goes well. I know it all 'looks' exciting and glamorous - this globe-trotting existence we've chosen - but there are pitfalls and vats of tears along the way.
Until next time...