Clarity

I feel like I've spent the whole year spinning around and around and now I'm standing here, dizzy and confused. Not the most poetic or articulate way of putting it - but it's been 'that' kind of year. I guess 2010 will be stored in the memory banks as the year that sanity forgot. We've had 4 months in South Africa, 3 months in Dublin and 3 months in Sydney so far and I really am just starting to focus. You know when you wake up in the morning and everything is fuzzy but you can make out a few outlines and colours? It's like that.

Sydney is starting to feel 'normal'. I am starting to want to be here. I don't want to swap with anyone, I am not wishing I was somewhere else. I am taking ownership of the decision to move here. Yes, it was me. I wanted this. I asked to move back here. Now we're here and I need to do something to make it feel anchored and permanent. I need to grasp the concept of 'forever' and also process the fact that 'forever' does not translate as 'happily ever after'. This isn't a fairytale - it's real life. No-one said it was supposed to be easy. I just had it easy for a long time and assumed that was how it would always be.

Here's the 'rub'. I need to commit to what I want to be when I grow up. It would appear I'm THERE. I am grown up. If I don't do what I want to do NOW, then when exactly? And what is it that I want to do? Well, it's this. I want to write. It is the only thing I do without hesitation, with no excuses or procrastination, I am never resentful of it, I do it with ease and certainty. Writing does not intrude on my day, it doesn't demand my time when I want to be doing something else. It doesn't chain me to some clinical desk in a depressing cubicle amongst people who don't want to be there. It makes me feel like I'm being honest. It feels like what I am supposed to be doing and it always has. I knew it at 17 and I've done it for 16 years, but now I need to do it properly. I need to be a writer.

I've postponed the inevitable I guess - always knowing this was in me, being told repeatedly and encouraged relentlessly. I've been living the subject matter for 33 years now. It's time to write it.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Be careful what you wish for - or at least be very specific. I know they say that 'God is in the details' - turns out God is a very detail-oriented guy. One might say a tad OCD. The chap wants MORE info. All of it even.

I have truly screwed this one up. See, I spent 3 years in Dublin asking God to let me go back to Sydney. I asked a lot. I asked often. I'd look outside at the gloomy, greyness and the persistent sideways drizzle (that rarely matured into 'rain' but still meant my GHD was useless) and I'd say 'Please God let me go back to Sydney'. Sometime around January God listened. James resigned and we started making plans to get back to Sydney. I was happy. I was, if you'll excuse the twee-ness, Singin' in the Rain.

So I arrived in Sydney in mid-July with this song in my heart, a skip in my step and an overwhelming sense of relief. We were here. The hard part was over and now the happily ever after part would just take hold. It's a little like my whole 'Please God just let me be thin for my wedding photos' scenario ... My question was a bit short-sighted. I was thin for my wedding photos - but that was 1 day ... the day after I started eating carbs. I asked God to take me to Sydney, but I didn't really explain what I wanted when I GOT HERE.

I want the whole story ok? I want us to be healthy, employed and settled. I didn't want us to all be sick one after the other and often all at the same time for weeks on end. I didn't want the stress of financial woe and joblessness. I thought that was a given, but it turns out I should have mentioned that in my little chats with the big Guy. I didn't think it would all be this hard. I had no idea. No matter how much I wanted out of Dublin, I didn't want Sydney like THIS.

So I'm asking now. Please God, let me be in Sydney and be happy. I know I'm asking for a lot, but can you at least think about it? I have time. I'll work with you. Just give me a sign there's a possibility it will happen? Thanks. Oh and thank you for MacKenzie. You did really good there.

Jeremy Clarkson narrates my life

It's very odd having 2 boys in my house 24/7. My life is narrated largely by Jeremy Clarkson and Buzz Lightyear. It's a little bit like our own private edition of Celebrity Rehab or Big Brother, but I guess we're detoxing from 3 years in Dublin where I played the part of dutiful corporate wife (AKA Single Mother). We're "regrouping" (see, bits of my 3 years in Dublin were narrated by Doctor Phil) and reestablishing our priorities - our collective priorities as a family. For the most part, it's positive and good. As with all learning curves, it is also hard work.

In the lead-up to our move back to Sydney, people kept asking me if I was excited to get back to Sydney. As I've said before, I find nostalgia to be quite a dangerous thing. I said, repeatedly, that I was looking forward to September when the jet-lag had dissipated, the boxes had been unpacked, Spring would be upon us and we'd be settled and in the 'swing' of things.

Today is the 1st of September.

G'Day Hoe Gaan Dit Wie Gehts Hello

So here we are in Oz - Down Under- in Sydney... starting again (sort of) and relishing the beauty, ease and positivity that infuses daily life here. I struggled to leave South Africa. I truly fell in love with my Home and would have been quite happy to stay there. I've never felt such patriotism, such a sense of belonging and an appreciation of the simple things in life... It was in stark contrast to our time in Dublin where I felt that everything was about money. We went there for money. We stayed there for more money. We left because, in the end, money is NOT enough of a reason to be somewhere. Three months in South Africa provided the antidote to the 3 years in Dublin. In South Africa, the vast majority of people have no money and no material possessions whatsoever. Yet, somehow, these people have the most tremendous capacity for joy and celebration. I will be eternally grateful for the time I had in my magical country as I feel I recaptured my essence. I like stuff, sure, but I don't need it.

I focused so much on the anxiety I felt about leaving South Africa that I hadn't even thought about arriving in Sydney. Our arrival here was quite bizarre. I can only equate it with those movies where the lead character dies and then returns to his/her life to see what life would be like without them. We returned after over 3 years away to find, of course, that everything had continued quite nicely without us. There are many many babies, some relationships have ended and new ones have begun... The first week was awful - jet lag and confusion, boxes and suitcases, multiple 3am screenings of Toy Story (1 and 2)... and then profound normality... We're back.

In my 20s I always broke my life down into 3 categories: House, Job, Relationship. There were very few instances in my 20s where I had all 3. Each time I did manage to secure all 3 at the same time, something cataclysmic would happen. Memorably, at about 24, I had the guy, the house and the job... then the guy upped and left for Sydney. When this girl upped and left for Sydney, I had the guy and the house, but no job. Finally, as I hit 30, I had the guy, the house, the job... and the guy took me to Dublin... where I had the guy and the house...and then a little guy, so no job. Now, we're here in Sydney... and I have the guy, the little guy, the house...and no job. It's a vicious and challenging circle, but I'm sure very soon we'll get it sorted.

It's never simple. Even when you get exactly what you've always wanted. Sometimes I'm envious of the friends I have who have opted to stay put, grow roots and pursue their path with the least possible obstacles. Mostly, I'm not. I am curious though about the 'alternative' - what would have happened had we stayed in London or in Dublin or in South Africa? Right now I'm aiming to find out what happens if we stay in Sydney. Watch this space.

Inbetween

It's been a while since I last wrote and I think my lack of correspondence actually speaks more than any writing I would have done had I made it to a laptop. I've spent the last few months feeling desperately incoherent. It's not familiar territory for me - I usually have something to say. I guess what has happened is that I have entered this transient place and, while this would normally invigorate me and challenge me, it's rendered me silent and quite immobilised... which is strange as I'm currently activelly making my way around the world.

We left Dublin on 8 May - several days late due to the dreaded ash cloud. The goodbyes in Dublin were exponentially worse than I had anticipated but the delay did allow a few extra precious days with our closest Dublin pals. When the airport goodbye came eventually, I was numb. Saying goodbye to someone who has shared every moment of 3 life changing years was beyond anything I've experienced before. The ash cloud also meant that we missed out on traveling to Edinburgh to say goodbye to James' parents prior to our departure for South Africa and, ultimately, Australia. All in all, a traumatic few days and quite a dark hole to climb out of when we reached South Africa.

Every time I leave a place I feel like it takes a few weeks, months even to shed it. Like a skin, Dublin had grown on me and despite all my problems with the place, it was our home. I became a mother there. I made lifelong best friends there. I will always cherish it but it was definitely time to move on. And move on we did, to South Africa to the town I grew up in and the town I previously longed to escape. Now I dread the prospect of packing our bags and leaving yet again. Our MacKenzie has absolutely blossomed here, he's speaking in sentences, has befriended everyone in town and has his grandparents wrapped neatly around his pudgy fingers. I've had wonderful quality time with all my old school friends, my oldest best girlfriend in particular. She's got 3 daughters now and my son is deeply in love with all 3 - as well as having dubbed their father 'Uncle Daddy' for some reason known only to him. MacKenzie turned 2 here and has developed in leaps and bounds which astound us all on a daily basis. Children are phenomenal. I think much more highly of myself knowing that I used to be one of these wondrous beings.

We leave next Saturday for Sydney. Although we've lived there previously for 5 years, we left as a young couple and are returning as a family. I'm excited but also concerned that it won't be the place my memory has created. Nostalgia is a dangerous thing. I have no conclusion to this - just to say that I'm scared of this precarious place I'm standing on now and nervous to take the next step. I hope it goes well. I know it all 'looks' exciting and glamorous - this globe-trotting existence we've chosen - but there are pitfalls and vats of tears along the way.

Until next time...

Plastic Joy Award

I've been tagged a couple of times by other bloggers - which means I'm supposed to pick up on a theme and write about it - but this is the first time I've managed to actually get as far as writing something! Thank you Icklebabe http://www.icklebabe.com/blog/ (Helen White) for your confidence in me and thank you Tattooed Mummy http://tattooedmummy.blogspot.com/ for coming up with the Theme!

So the deal is I'm supposed to list 5 fictional characters who I 'would' - you know what I mean. This made me laugh because it's kind of a favourite and recurring topic of conversation amongst my friends. It started with the famous episode of Friends where the gang discuss a 'freebie' list of celebrities who they would be allowed to hook up with should they have the opportunity without it signalling the end of their relationship (you can click here for the actual dialogue http://www.friends-tv.org/zz305.html). Chandler settles on a top 5, dithers over Isabella Rosselini and then decides to scrap her from his list... only to meet her and have the opportunity... Eek!

So, here goes - my to 5 FICTIONAL characters who I would, you know, ahem *blush* ... :

- John Malkovich's Vicomte de Valmont in Dangerous Liaisons
- Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean
- George Cloony as Ryan Bingham in Up in the Air
- Brad Pitt as JD in Thelma and Louise
- James Spader as Max Baron in White Palace

Honourable mentions go to:

Ralph Fiennes as Count Lazsly de Almazy in The English Patient (1st half of the movie...)
Nick Nick Nolte as Tom Wingo in Prince of Tides
Richard Gere as Zack Mayo in Officer and a Gentleman AND as Tony in Looking for Mr Goodbar

I guess I'm a tart... (surprise!)

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